mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
