Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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