There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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