this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
