I met the friendliest cop last night
it hurts more in the daytime
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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