The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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