If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
His nipple licking is glorious
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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