my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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