It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need water and some morals
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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