yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
