So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
MIDGETS
????
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
