Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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