and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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