hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
