I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think my vagina is haunted
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
