Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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