I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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