Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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