so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
