Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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