can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
