Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize