i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
