I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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