the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
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This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize