i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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