did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
we should paint friendship bongs
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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