"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
