You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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