Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
