The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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