Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
