Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
