he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
