Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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