this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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