Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
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He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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