is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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