Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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