There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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