hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
