If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
