Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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