Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
