You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize