absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
