I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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