We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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