who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
