I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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