When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
