im having a threesome with these popsicles
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
