I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
