I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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