He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
