Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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