I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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