Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
