It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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