I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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