I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
