Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
