I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
