12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
